Blahhhh!!!!

Yep, that's about how i feel at the moment.

Throats sore
Left ear is aching
Have started to sneeze a bit
Tired to the point of wanting to just collapse.

I think i am getting a cold.
Either that or my body is reacting to the massive withdrawals i am having from constant junk and crappy foods.

If this is the thanks i get for being nice to my health, then i would rather not be thanked.

Blah

Normally when i feel like this, i dose myself up on crap food.

A habit from when i was a kid and if i got sick my mum and grandparents always gave me "treats" to make me feel better.

So this evening while i am feeling rather miserable, i am also having a hell of a time because i don't want to go down that road.

I am trying to teach myself that food isn't medicine.

This is a very hard lesson to learn.

No other news today.

Work is exceptionally boring, as everything slows down for the xmas break. 1.5 days left and i have 10 days holidays and i can't wait.

Going now to have a bath, read my book with my baby cat, and have a big sleep. Hoping that i feel better in the morning.


Kerry xxx

PS....still no hypnosis cd.....grrrrrrrrrr

Im in love

With my little angel Pyklet.

In the past 24 hours she has

• terrified a Maltese terrier
• terrified a black labrador sook
• made friends with Harry who loves nothing more than to give her a bath or play with her.
• discovered that you can get to the kitchen sink if you climb up the scratching post.
• discovered that Cassie really is a grumpy old cat who doesn't like anyone much.
• Has bonded with her new mummy and daddy very well.
• has climbed the christmas tree twice
• has claimed some of the baby hounds toys for her own, apparently they are better than hers
• cleaned behind the fridge for us purely by walking behind it
• given both me and sweet hubby many little kisses
• tried to convince me that the laptop really is a good place to sleep
• had a zillion photos taken of her
• worked out that if you hide behind things and jump out at the big fat orange cat (harry) he nearly has a heart attack but will play with you anyway.
• slept snuggled in our arms for as long as we want to nurse her
• and of a night time claimed sweet hubby's pillow for her own bed.

Yep, this little lady has won my heart in a massive way, and has moved in and taken over the house.

Today has been a reasonably good day.

Food wise, it has been excellent.

Writing really is a tool on this path i have chosen to take. Its therapeutic.

So writing is something i have been doing a lot of. I guess it kind of keeps me sane.

Found out today that big sis has been very sick with tonsillitis. Am so worried about her. She has had so many things going on for her of late, and this is like the icing on the cake. But after speaking to my BIL, i know she has been to the Dr, has been given appropriated drugs to make her better, and now it is just a matter of time. Sending so much love to her, and wanting her to get better real fast.

As for me, i have had a sore throat and weird irritated feeling in my nose all day long. So tired that i could sleep for a year. So far nurofen seems to be working with the throat. I don't want, and don't need to have a cold. I have managed to escape it for months now, i don't need it this close to Xmas.

I am hoping that my hypnosis cd will arrive tomorrow. When i ordered it, it said up to 10 business days. Well, tomorrow is day 10 and i really want it. I need all the help i can get at the moment.

But for now, tomorrow is another day, which kind of goes with out saying really.

So we will see what it brings. Hopefully some improved health for big sis, that's about all i can ask for at the moment. To see her happy and healthy. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Kerry xx

YAY for ME

Just wish to brag a little.

I hopped on the scales this morning for my once a week weigh in that i allow myself, and i am very excited.

I have lost 5.2kg.

Like i said...YAY for MEEEEEEE!!!!

It feels good to have team Kerry behind me all the way with this.

Have a great Monday, i am sure going to try to :-)

Kerry xx

2 for the price of one.

I couldn't be bothered blogging yesterday, so today you get Sat and Sun all rolled into one.

Lets start with the logical.

Saturday.

I woke up with such determination. I was going to my first OA meeting. Yep. There was nothing going to stop me, i wanted to go and was going to go.

But i didn't go.

I chickened out at the last minute.

I was at almost full blown anxiety attack stage when i decided that i would go to middle sisters garage sale instead.

Then came the guilt. I wanted to go so bad, but im just not brave enough to walk through that door.

So i beat myself up about it all day. Got me no where, and is also a habit i should try to stop. But i felt like i had let myself down so badly.

But the one thing i did differently yesterday was i kept myself busy so that i didn't eat the entire contents of our kitchen, which is my normal behaviour at times like this.

So 2 and a bit hours spent with middle sister and my niece. Then my other niece arrived, who always manages to make me giggle.

Followed by a visit to mums for a while, and then i was ready to come home, be calm and go and pick my baby up.

So, i will try again, but not next week as it is boxing day on the Saturday, and i have family commitments all day.

So in 2 weeks time, i will try again. I haven't given up on me. I know once i do it once i will be fine, it is just doing it that one time thats the kicker.

Now, onto Pyklet.

My little ray of sunshine. She is here now and over taking the house.

She has the big cats terrified, and keeps me amused a lot.

Like all baby cats, she eats heaps, sleeps soooo much, but when she is awake, she is pure maniac. Running around, chasing her toys, leaping off the lounge, playing with the keys on the laptop. You name it she is into it.

Last night we kept her in our room with us to sleep, so that we didn't have to worry about the big cats getting at her during the night. Apparently she settled underneath sweet hubbys arm pit, so he left his arm there for her all night. Then wondered why, this morning it was a bit sore.

Yes, she is running the show already.

Sunday has been a very peaceful day.

Lots of housework achieved.

Lots of playing with the hounds.

I even slotted in some gardening.

Now though, time to kick back and relax.

Sweet hubby has gone to the soccer, and i am home alone until about 8pm.

YAY, that means i have had a completely full day at home alone.

Gee its been nice.

Till tomorrow

Kerry xx

Honestly, im freaking out about it now.

What can i say but that heavens it is Friday.

Oh, and thank goodness we don't have the extreme heat that we had yesterday.

That was just absolutely beyond a joke.

The rain today has been no where near enough to even start to rectify the damage that was done yesterday, but it is a start i guess.

So, what am i freaking out about?

Well, i finally made the call AND got to speak to someone today at over eaters anonymous.

The lady i spoke to is Janine, and she sounded lovely on the phone.

She explained to me a little about how the meetings work, that they are every Saturday and where they were.

I got off the phone and felt like i wanted to vomit.

All that emotion and nerves of actually speaking to someone re the meetings caught up with me, and of course, what did i want to do, but go and pig out on the chocolates that the offices is full of at this time of year.

I stayed strong though, and i didn't have one.

I know, that for now, i don't have the self control to only have one. I would need to eat everything in sight. So it is much better to have none.

So now the really freaky part comes when i actually get the courage up to go to a meeting and walk through that door.

Even thinking about it now scares the life out of me.

Im not a very strong person, and being my very intense shyness around new people, this is a very hard thing for me to do.

So, i will ponder it this evening and see what i come up with. I want to go. I just don't know if i can make me go.

I know that sounds stupid.

It should be as simple as "Im going to the oa meeting" and just go.

But the way my brain works, nothing is ever that easy.

*sigh*

Its the weekend, after a very stressful and seemingly looong week.

For now, it is time to kick back, relax and unwind with the furkids.

Til latter

Kerry xx

My Thursday dribble

• Worked. Oh boy have i worked today. Worked harder today than i have in a while and was absolutely worn out by the time i knocked off.
• Shopped for christmas this afternoon. Almost finished. Well at least i know what to get my niece and nephew now, they were all i had left to buy for.
• Visited with big sis.
• Ate red rooster for dinner.
• Granted, it was only a chicken wrap. Salady type stuff some chicken and wrap bread.
• Reasonably healthy choice.
• Maybe half a dozen of sweet nieces chips.
• And enough guilt about eating fast food to last a life time.
• It was nice.
• I wasn't a guts.
• I certainly didn't over indulge.
• BUT
• The guilt is there for sure.
• *sigh*
• There are so many emotions with this eating stuff. Recognizing them and dealing with them are 2 different things.
• Why is it that i feel this guilt, when normally i will eat enough food for 2 people, and not have guilt at all. Or is it that i don't recognize that guilt because i hide it by having something else to eat????
• I rang the phone numbers today for over eaters anonymous, and no one answered. I actually tried several times throughout the day. Maybe the ladies work or something. Who knows, but i will try again tomorrow, and if i get no where, then i will try tomorrow evening.
• What i am slightly amazed about though, is how i have cut down portion sizes, and realistically, i am not hungry after eating. That doesn't mean that i WOULD'NT eat, it just means that i know i am satisfied with my hunger.
• I honestly thought that cutting it down would mean i would be starving all the time.
• Weird!
• The heat here has been horrific today. It got to 44 degrees this afternoon where i live. It is a nightmare.
• Heading to 10pm and it is still in the low 30's.
• Hounds are still inside with the air conditioner blasting away.
• It is just way too hot outside for them still.
• Especially my old boy.
• In regards to other stuff happening in the world.
• I am speechless.
• I am friggin angry.
• I am VERY VERY protective of my family and a few close friends i have.
• Am i wrong to feel this???
• HELL NO
• BUT, moving right along.
• I have a week off between christmas and new years. And i am very happy about that.
• I get to spend it with my not so new family, and that is exciting to me.
• Christmas with siblings.
• AWESOME.
• Oh, and just in case anyone gives a damn, i need to make it known how much i adore my niece and nephew.
• These are some very awesome people, who i love to bits.
• Anyone ever hurts them and i will be lining up behind their parents for blood.
• As i said.
• I am very protective.
• Maybe i am part wolf or bear or something....GRRRRRRRRRRR

Going to read some other blogs, then going to bed. This little black duck has to get up and face the working world again in the morning.

Hope my coach found her i pod.

Kerry xx

Is it the weekend yet??

It can't be far away.

Well, 2 more sleeps and it is here, but sheesh, i am so tired this evening, i could curl up and sleep for a week i think.

Last nights bit of street violence has put me on edge a little bit, and i just couldn't sleep after it all settled. Seeing that sort of thing really puts things into perspective of how blessed i am to have a man like my sweet hubby. Sure, things are not always a bed of roses, but at the end of the day, we really have very few hic ups.

To see the rage these 2 young people had, so much anger. Its scary to think there is so much domestic violence out there.

At least the police were called, they sorted it out, but not until sometime latter did they leave, and actually take them both away in separate cars.

For their sake, i hope they get the help they need to move forwards with their lives, but so few actually do.

Soooooo,

Today is another day of temptations of food.

Everywhere i go there is more extremely yummy food at the moment, or is it maybe just that i am more aware of it.

This morning at the cottage i resisted the temptation to even have some fruit cake, knowing that when i went back to the office i had a mango and apple waiting for me. Hard work considering how much i love fruit cake.

Then today we had the staff xmas party, with things just as nice as my chocolate crackles there. But i was so good.

Lunch consisted of a small serve of chicken, pasta salad and coleslaw, though i did have 3 slices of bread. This wasn't just normal loaf bread, this was fancy stuff, that is only half the size of a normal slice, so im not too worried about that.

When the sweets came out, i had 1 proffritter role. That was it. There was so much stuff there, honestly, my mouth was watering at the sight of it. But after last nights effort, i knew that if i had anything else, it would be a disaster.

As soon as everything was cleaned up, i bailed and came home.

It is so stressful doing this. I honestly had no idea how severe this addiction to food is, or for that matter just how much of a binge eater i am.

The fact that i am making myself constantly aware of why i want to eat, what i want to eat, how i am feeling, whats happening around me and it seems a million and one other things as well, it is all very confronting.

Every assignment my coach has set me, i have done and learnt something from it.

The very first one amazed me in a big way.

I had to write down lists of foods. Foods i binged on the most, foods i like that are good for me, foods i don't like that are good for me and foods i eat.

It took me a couple of days to do it, because i kept thinking of foods to add here or there. The thing that amazed me is that when i did the 2 lists for foods i binge on the most and foods i like all of them started, and had a fairly substantial list of crap food. Junk.

The lists of foods i like that are good for me took me a while because the answers didn't come flowing out. I had to actually think about the food and if it is actually good for me or not. The list of foods i don't like was very easy. Seafood. Its about one of the only foods groups out there that i can't stand. I don't eat any seafood at all, and its a shame, because i know there are so many benefit's to it. But, 37 years without it, not going to worry too much about a dislike at this stage of the game.

This evening i phoned the over eaters anonymous line, and got the phone numbers of 2 women in Newcastle to contact for more information. Wendy and Janine.

Just ringing the hot line was scary enough. My heart was racing and i literally felt sick. Thankfully it was just a recorded message with the phone numbers of the women i mentioned above.

By this time it was 6:30pm and i had convinced myself that its not really an appropriate time to be making a phone call to these ladies. That i will do it tomorrow.

How on earth a i going to do this? I want to do it. I believe it is a good idea. But if i can't even get brave enough to pick up the phone, how on earth am i going to walk into a meeting?

Another challenge i need to face, and some how i will beat it. Just not sure how yet.

Not actually sure how i am coping with all of this stuff. 12 months ago i wouldn't have coped at all. Thank goodness for wonderful Drs who work with you to make sure you get the right medication for your depression. He is an awesome man.

Looking back on the past 12 months of my life all i can say is WOW. But that's a whole other blog post. But even i can see i have come so far.

All in all, life is good for me.

Till tomorrow.

Kerry xx